Ding Dong The Bastards Dead

Dear Mr. Zarqawi,

I’ve had this letter I wrote to you around for quite a while now. Every time I tried to send it, it came back saying “No longer at this address”. I guess you moved around a lot lately. Well, now, finally, I know where you are and it looks like you’re going to have a permanent address so I can finally get it to you. I know it’s a little late now, you being dead and all, but I’ll send it off anyway.

Hey man, I heard you had a little accident Wednesday evening. I heard you got crushed by a house falling on you. It kind of reminds me of that part in the Wizard of Oz when the house fell on the wicked witch and then all the Munchkins came out of hiding and were singing, dancing, and celebrating. Yeah, it really does remind me of the Wizard of Oz. It’s amazing what some good intel and a couple of 500 lb. Bombs can do, huh? Well, if you didn’t know, I guess you know now.

I don’t get it though. I thought people were supposed to be sad when someone died. Seems kind of the opposite in your case. I guess cutting peoples heads off, blowing up innocent women and children and bombing other people’s churches doesn’t win you many friends.

I just wish I could have gotten this letter to you sooner, maybe things would have worked out different for you. I know you are a smart guy and it’s obvious you’ve got some charisma. It’s not easy convincing someone to go blow themselves up. But you managed to do it. And I know you didn’t like the U.S. but it seams you knew an awful lot about us, at least our political system anyway. Maybe you watched C-Span or read the New York Times, I don’t know. You always seemed to know just when to release a videotape or do some bombing to get them all riled up in congress. Although that last video you sent out wasn’t addressed properly, it was supposed to go to America’s Funniest Home Videos. It was really funny watching you trying to clear the feed on that machine gun. I replayed it 10 or 12 times and I really laughed a lot. I bet you would’ve won the $100,000 prize with that one.

I thought you were a real battle hardened warrior but I guess that was mainly hype – sort of like a Hollywood image. Kind of reminds me of a guy like Alec Baldwin, “I’m an actor – so I must know a lot about politics and world geopolitical events.” I guess you really weren’t such a warrior after all, now that I think back. Telling other people to go kill themselves doesn’t speak to well for your courage or commitment.

Hey, that was a good effort at trying to start that civil war. You certainly gave it a go. I think you underestimated the intelligence of your own people though. They don’t want to fight anymore. Really they don’t. Shiites, Sunnis, Kurds, they may not want to sit in a bar drinking beer and telling Saddam Hussein jokes, but they don’t won’t another war. They’re not stupid. They just want a roof over their heads, a job, some food on the table and a place where their kids could go to school. Yeah, you can surround yourself with a bunch of loyal yes men and convince yourself that your ideas were right but… oh wait a minute I heard it was one of your own guys that gave you up – so much for loyalty – anyway, outside of your small circle of goof balls, the rest of your country didn’t buy into it. See, you didn’t realize one thing, once people have drunk water from the cup of freedom, there’s no going back, no matter how small the sip. If only you could have seen this, you might have put yourself on another track and worked for the good of your people and not the destruction of them.

I was going to get into the religion thing with you, but I’m really not a religious scholar. Although it seems like all of you terrorists claim to be. That’s impressive to me, a deeply religious scholar and a sociopathic terrorist killer all at the same time. How do you balance that one? I just can’t imagine. But, I guess we have our religious kooks over here too. The Son of Sam talked to the devil through a dog, I heard. He was a serial killer too, just like you. Anyway like I said I’m not a religious scholar, but I just don’t buy into the killing in the merciful name of Allah routine, and I think it’s pretty shameful and sinful to invoke your God’s name to doing the terrible things you’ve done. Especially, all the while you really were just trying to further your own political ends. I really don’t think your God, Allah, wants all those innocent people going to heaven. Heck some of them could have become doctors, scientists, teachers or even true religious scholars. I guess we’ll never know.

In the end, I think you were starting to believe your own press. You weren’t breaking the will of the Iraqi people, hell they were much stronger and smarter than you ever were. You really didn’t have a following, just a gang of thugs. And we are hot on their trail too.

As far as the U.S. is concerned, you certainly didn’t break the will of the American people. You really never did understand us. No matter what John Murtha, Howard Dean or Ted Kennedy said, they don’t represent the will, the opinion or the resolve of the American people, I guess we’ve got our goofballs too. Anyway, your clock was always ticking. You had the best trained, the best equipped and the most powerful military in the world tracking you down. It was always just a matter of time. It didn’t matter what all the left-wingers in the senate said. We knew we were going to get you. And right now, I bet all your buddies in the insurgency are wondering when and where the next bomb is gonna fall. It’s like the Israeli Prime Minister said, “If we keep them worried that the next rocket may be aimed at them (the terrorists) they won’t have as much time to make bombs”. All I can say is that you’re lucky that you got crushed by the house. Delta Force was waiting just outside and if you’d tried to make a run for it you would have found out what being a real warrior was all about. Too bad you didn’t get the chance like Uday and Qusay did.

I guess I’ve said about all I have to say except for this;

Good riddance to you, you evil bastard. You lived far longer on this earth than you deserved. And I wish I could have delivered this letter to you in person because if I had the chance to meet you man to man I would have beaten your cowardly ass to death with my bare hands. And here’s your last surprise. That’s not gunpowder you smell. It’s sulfur. You’re not going to paradise asshole, you’re going straight to hell, right where you belong, to rot for all eternity.

Best Regards,

Ernest R. Emerson

P.S. Oh, I almost forgot. Your country is going to be free. So it was all for nothing.

America made a promise and we intend to keep it.

Grandpappy told my pappy
Back in my day, son
A man had to answer
For the wicked thing he done
Take all the rope in Texas
Find a tall oak tree
Round up all of them bad boys
And hang ‘em high in the street
For all the people to see

And justice is the one thing
You should always find
You gotta saddle up your boys
You gotta draw a hard line
When the gun smoke settles
We’ll sing a victory tune
And we’ll all meet back
At the local saloon

We’ll raises up our glasses
Against evil forces
Singing, “Whiskey for my men, beer for my horses!”

Toby Keith and Willie Nelson

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply